Maybe not them, exactly, because they're not so happy either. ugg boots clearance
But I wish I was one of those people, the people who know what to say, the people who can't see the difference. Because it seems to me that you have more chance of being able to live a life you can stand if you're like that.
So I didn't know what to say when Martin asked me if I really wanted to die. The obvious answer was, Yes, yes, of course I do, you fool, that's why I've climbed all these stairs, that's why I've been telling a boy - dear God, a man - who can't hear me all about a New Year's Eve party that I'd made up. But there's another answer, too, isn't there? And the other answer is, No, of course I don't, you fool. Please stop me. Please help me. Please make me into the kind of person who wants to live, the kind of person who has a bit missing, maybe. The kind of person who would be able to say, I am entitled to something more than this. Not much more; just something that would have been enough, instead of not quite enough. Because that's why I was up there - there wasn't quite enough to stop me.
'Well?' said Martin.
I didn't like it that they were making me sound tight. It wasn't anything to do with money. I needed one night so I paid for one night. And then someone else would have to pay, but I wouldn't be around to know.
They didn't understand, I could tell. I mean, they could understand that I was unhappy. But they couldn't understand the logic of it. The way they looked at it was this: if I died, Matty would be put in a home somewhere. So why didn't I just put him in a home and not die? What would the difference be? But that just goes to show that they didn't understand me, or Matty, or Father Anthony, or anyone at the church. No one I know thinks that way.
These people, though, Martin and JJ and Jess, they're different from anyone I know. They're more like the people on television, the people in EastEnders and the other programmes where people know what to say straightaway. I'm not saying they're bad. I'm saying they're different. They wouldn't worry so much about Matty if he was their son. They don't have the same sense of duty. They don't have the church. They'd just say, 'What's the difference?' and leave it at that, and maybe they're right, but they're not me, and I didn't know how to tell them that.
They're not me, but I wish I was them.
MAUREEN
Frank is Matty's father. It's funny to think that might not be immediately obvious to someone, because it's so obvious to me. I only ever had intercourse with one man, and I only had intercourse with that one man once, and the one time in my entire life I had intercourse produced Matty. What are the chances, eh? One in a million? One in ten million? I don't know. But of course even one in ten million means that there are a lot of women like me in the world. That's not what you think of, when you think of one in ten million. You don't think, That's a lot of people.
What I've come to realize, over the years, is that we're less protected from bad luck than you could possibly imagine. Because though it doesn't seem fair, having intercourse only the once and ending up with a child who can't walk or talk or even recognize me… Well, fairness doesn't really have much to do with it, does it? You only have to have intercourse the once to produce a child, any child. There are no laws that say, You can only have a child like Matty if you're married, or if you have lots of other children, or if you sleep with lots of different men. There are no laws like that, even though you and I might think there should be. And once you have a child like Matty, you can't help but feel, That's it! That's all my bad luck, a whole lifetime's worth, in one bundle. But I'm not sure luck works like that. Matty wouldn't stop me from getting breast cancer, or from being mugged. You'd think he should, but he can't. In a way, I'm glad I never had another child, a normal one. I'd have needed more guarantees from God cheap ugg on salethan He could have provided.
And anyway, I'm Catholic, so I don't believe in luck as much as I believe in punishment. We're good at believing in punishment; we're the best in the world. I sinned against the Church, and the price you pay for that is Matty. It might seem like a high price to pay, but then, these sins are supposed to mean something, aren't they? So in one way it's hardly surprising that this is what I got. For a long time I was even grateful, because it felt to me as though I were going to be able to redeem myself here on Earth, and there'd be no reckoning to be made afterwards. But now I'm not so sure. If the price you have to pay for a sin is so high that you end up wanting to kill yourself and committing an even worse sin, then Someone's done his sums wrong. Someone's overcharging.
I had never hit anyone before, not in the whole of my life, although I'd often wanted to. But that night was different. I was in limbo, somewhere between living and dying, and it felt as if it didn't matter what I did until I went back to the top of Toppers' House again. And that was the first time I realized that I was on a sort of holiday from myself. It made me want to slap him again, just because I could, but I didn't. The once was enough: Chas fell over - more from the shock, I think, than from the force, because I'm not so strong - and then knelt on all fours covering his head with his hands.
I'm sorry,' Chas said.
'For what?' JJ asked him.
'I'm not sure,' he said. 'Whatever.'
'I had a boyfriend like you once,' I told him.
'I'm sorry,' he said again.
'It hurts. It's a horrible thing to do, to have intercourse classic ugg bootswith someone and then disappear.'
'I can see that now.'
'Can you?'
'I think so.'
'You can't see anything from down there,' said JJ. 'Why don't you get up?'
'I don't really want to be slapped again.'
'Is it fair to say that you're not the bravest man in the world?' JJ asked him.
'There are lots of different ways of showing courage,' said Chas. 'If what you're saying is that I don't set much store by physical bravery… then yes, that's fair. It's overrated, I think.'
'Well, you know, Chas, I think that's kinda brave of you, to show you're so afraid of a small lady like Maureen. I respect your honesty, man. You won't slap him again, will you, Maureen?'
I promised I wouldn't, and Chas got to his feet. It was a strange feeling, watching a man do something because of me.
'Not much of a life, hiding underneath people's grills, is it?' said JJ.
'No. But I don't really see the alternatives.'
'Howsabout talking to Jess?'
'Oh, no. I'd rather live out here all the time. Seriously. I'm already thinking of relocating, you know,'
'What, to someone else's back yard? Maybe somewhere with a bit of grass?'
'No,' Chas said. 'To Manchester.'
'Listen,' JJ said. 'I know she's scary. That's why you should talk to her now. With us around. We can, you know. Mediate. Wouldn't you rather do that than move cities?'
'But what is there to say?'
'Maybe
we could work something out. Together. Something that might get her off your back.'
'Like what?'
'I know for a fact she'd marry you if you asked her.'
'Ah, no, you see that's just…'
'I was just kidding around, Chas. Lighten up, man.'
'These aren't, like, lightening-up times. These are dark times.'www.cheapuggboots-shop.net
'Dark times indeed. What with Jess, and going to Manchester, and living under a grill and the Twin Towers and everything.'
'Yeah.'
